What’s more important to me directly is that Sonny, my husband’s father, grew good relationships with his own children. He wasn’t perfect. He made mistakes. Standards for appropriate punishments have changed since then. But he did a good job.

Sonny and Patty had a son right after marriage. They named him Bruce. The family laughs about how when Bruce was a toddler, Patty came home to find Sonny had shut Bruce into the closet because he wouldn’t quit screaming. It was dark and probably traumatic for Bruce. No one now would think that appropriate treatment for a toddler.

But think about this: Sonny was yelled at, screamed at, beaten, derided, mocked, made the butt of his parents’ household. He chose not to beat his son. He chose to treat Bruce as a person with enough value to set him out of the way, so Sonny couldn’t hit him.

I’ve had a child refuse to stop screaming, hollering for a half hour at a time, repeatedly. When the child is absolutely unreasonable, what’s a parent to do? The noise and conflicting feelings generated are nearly unbearable. My husband and I had to tag team; he’d step out to calm down while I dealt with our child. Later he’d take over while I went to cool off. We often set her in her bedroom with the door closed, so she could scream out of our reach. We succeeded in not beating our child. That’s a win.