I started life as self-focused as any other newborn. My own emotions felt intense, but I wasn’t as aware of others’ emotions. This is not unusual, except that I stayed oblivious into my teens, in ways I recognize in my autistic daughter. My mother didn’t think of this as autism, but rather as a way of getting lost in thought, lost in your own head, something she noticed her father doing a lot. She said he went to pick her up from school, and drove right past her, because he was thinking about something. She wasn’t surprised at my behavior; she simply taught me the rules of politeness and good behavior, and enforced them.

At 53 years old, I can navigate most social situations; it’s a combination of good teaching and lots of experience. My parents are excellent examples; my mother shows a genuine interest in other people’s well-being, and my father taught through action the importance of doing. As a youth, I followed teachers’ instructions diligently, both Sunday School and public school teachers. I was a goody-two-shoes who couldn’t understand why one would want to do anything malicious or even mildly obnoxious. Those things hurt!

In Sunday School I met my best friend of childhood. We were both age 3, and up until we were 10 we were always in the same class. She was an extrovert who adopted me as her best friend. We did a lot together, and I followed her lead in a lot of things. We did not live close to each other, so when we got together we enjoyed it tremendously. She was boy crazy at 10 or 11 years old; I was not. We attended public school together. We both played musical instruments in the band. She often stated that we were best friends, and we celebrated 10 years of friendship when we turned 13.

Then she moved away. I was heartbroken. A year later she came back for a visit. She came to the school building and greeted people she was excited to see. I was not one she wanted to see. She didn’t insult or turn away, she just… didn’t look me up, didn’t seek me out, didn’t even let me know she was coming. I had begun to be aware of other people more, but not enough to keep a long distance connection. I wonder now if she felt I wasn’t excited to see her, since I didn’t gush over her or run to her. I had been used to her seeking me out.

Over the next couple years I began to reach out to other people, to make friends. I read lots of books. I tried to socialize. A friend later told me she felt frustrated because I would be friendly and aware and talkative, and then I’d get lost in a book and ignore everyone for a few days. I had to learn to put down my book and pay attention to real life when with people.