ADD mom

As a mom who has raised seven children, with a supportive spouse for 26 of those years (he passed away suddenly when my youngest was 10), I feel this; I survived and have thrived because of several things: I'm autistic, therefore I'm less aware of other people's judgements; my mother recognized my special traits (she didn't have words for it but her father was ADHD and probably autistic) and taught me coping skills she had learned; my parents loved and supported me, encouraged me, and clearly stated what they expected me to accomplish; my parents both practiced and modeled how to be prepared.

My best practices as an adult are: reduce cognitive load by making decisions in advance, prepare for as many eventualities as is practical, forgive myself and others, and LAUGH.

I'm likely to be late to church and to appointments, so my purse and my bag with calendar and children's stuff is always, always packed, so I can grab it and run out the door.

My husband and children are responsible for their own stuff. I will arrange a location for shoes and coats; they must put them there themselves as soon as they are aware enough to do so. I don't iron anything ever; I have a gas dryer and my husband knows how to fluff his own shirts. I do not dryclean anything because I will forget it at the drycleaner's; only wash-and-wear clothing. I don't fold clothes or sort socks. Everyone wears either white or black socks and they can grab two from the sock basket themselves.

I'm not good at planning menus, so I keep the dry and canned and frozen ingredients, duplicates, in the pantry/basement/back room. I get rid of foods with long or complex prep... or delegate it: buy them already prepared or dump them in the crockpot and be done. I have a microwave and lots of microwavable containers, for when I have totally forgotten to prepare food and we must eat so we can leave. I keep granola bars and meat sticks in my van, along with water bottles--refillable preferred, but in the house I also have disposable bottles of water. My jewelry is on a rack where I can see everything and grab it quickly.

I homeschooled all seven of my children, partly so we would get enough sleep; I don't schedule anything earlier than about 10 a.m., 9 a.m. on a couple days. I try to make my schedule fit me. I arranged my children's learning so we did most of it together as a group; less planning, less prep. Books and videos are my friends; the information is already in order, I just have to go through it. Once they became teens they did most of their schoolwork on their own, with just reminders from me. They started college classes between age 13 and age 16; at that point I'm training them to meet their own deadlines; not my job to keep track. I try to put as much of their cognitive load as I can, back onto them!

My older children did not have lots of activities; they did church youth group and scouts. That's it. No soccer, no ballet, no T-ball, no martial arts. And they lived through that. By the time they were teens they learned to get themselves to where they wanted to be. My youngest has more of my attention and can do theater two days a week, because now I can get him there; I refuse to tie my schedule in pretzel knots getting people to activities. They survived and have different skills, including a lot of online skills and an appreciation for hiking.

I actively seek out funny things: Calvin and Hobbes, Drybar Comedy, webcomics, funny movies. I'm always trying to learn something: informative and interesting and just cool! videos and articles and books. I read every day. I listen to positive music and media: my computer and video watching are set up to eliminate advertisements especially; no cable TV, I use adblockers everywhere, I subscribe to two main services and if it's not on one of those, I mostly don't watch it.

Now: there are drawbacks: I'm not good at keeping a clean house. My children learned to clean because it was part of school: dishes, laundry, bathrooms, vacuum, mop, cut the grass, wash the car, Do these things because they need done and you live here: and mom's not going to do them... My husband cleaned a lot when he was home and I wasn't; he learned to work around this failing of mine.

We also moved every few years: this has the advantage of getting friends and neighbors in to help with deep cleaning before we move out, and the house we move into is already clean. So I didn't have to deep clean on my own for years.

Also: grow perspective; public spaces in the U.S. are usually cleaned by paid teams of people. My house is not. Of course my house is not going to look like that. I can get rid of stuff and rearrange all I want; it's going to look lived in, and that's okay. Prioritize: food, laundry, and bathrooms must be cleaned up. Mere dry clutter (books, papers, stuffed animals) are a lower priority and can wait.

We inherited a cleanliness standard from a time when it was normal to have either paid servants or slaves; you're gonna have to become okay with what you can do.

If the people in your life are constantly judging you, condemning you, get them to help you or get them out. You don't need to feel like you're not enough when you're doing your level best. And don't knock them; they're trying, you're trying. Be patient, be kind. Take deep breaths, decide where you draw the line in your life. I'm okay with muddy clothes that can be cleaned, but my children know not to pee outside... that's a line I've enforced.

This is not easy. It can be done, and we are greatly blessed; I don't have to can all my own homegrown food. Most things I buy are already easy to clean/maintain. Count your blessings! --comment I wrote on Youtube video about ADHD and how difficult it is for women, largely because they’re required by societal expectations to shoulder a huge cognitive load: organizing the whole dang thing.